I cannot tell you what a deep and tremendous loss I felt when my last marriage imploded–it was the death of so much. It was the death of a person whom I had adored for a very long time–he didn’t exist any more. We could not–and still aren’t–friends and we never will be–and that’s fine. I gave over eighteen years of my life as his wife and I am done past it all. I accepted a great deal of sub-standard treatment over the years which I still–like turning over fresh soil–discover things about. I gave up several things when the marriage dissolved, or so I thought.
I thought I gave up being in ministry. I thought I gave up being an influence. I thought I gave up a home.
So a few days ago I cleaned the whole house. I have a large home here in Laurel, Mississippi (aka The Free State of Jones). and cleaning it can be quite arduous. A couple of days ago, I Got It All Done, floors, etc., which is no small feat. I enjoy my domestic surroundings and often ignore writing in order to get one more load of laundry done. I particularly enjoy scents. I want my office and my home to smell fantastic. And I don’t mean generic can get at Wal-Mart good–I am very frugal but I spend the money when it comes to scents. I particularly like Trapp. Trapp candles and room scents are in my opinion the best on the market. A Trapp votive will scent your entire house with the most wonderful and creative of fragrances. I had a Trapp room spray of sandalwood and teak and it was freaking marvelous. I used it sparingly because it was pretty potent.
Imagine my disappointment when I found it on the floor under my desk smashed to a thousand bits, fragrance all over the floor.
First of all, it wasn’t as strong as you would think–it was actually quite pleasant. Second, I swept up the floor and then turned around and Swiffered it. Now the room downstairs smells delightful and every time I use my broom the fragrance wafts through the room, no matter what part of the house I am in.
This is a blatant and easy allegory for what you’ve gone through, so clue in. Things may seemed ruined now, but they can manifest in other ways that will be just as beautiful if not better. I am–to my surprise and deep peace–on my way to being a middle-school teacher. Sure, I wish I could work in film, but what would that prove? It’d prove I am talented, which I already know, but I’d miss out on a lot of time with my family, and Chris and I already lost so much time together. (There was 23 years inbetween our romantic relationships. It does make me sad). Second, who says that being in middle school isn’t the best way to minister, for me? Am I or was I ever suited to the politics of church? No. Am I to the free-wheeling lightening-fast dialog and thinking required of a middle school teacher? Yes. I am, it turns out.
So I’m sweeping today, and enjoying the fragrance right where it is. Even if it’s kitty litter that the Horde of Four have spread throughout the laundry room. It’s all good, people. It all evens out, and in many cases, is much better.